Archive for the ‘Expendables; The’ Category

The Expendables – review


The Expendables – viewed 8/29/10 


Before I start, let me just say that I am huge fan of big time action films where shit gets blown up left and right.  I’m also a huge Stallone fan. I’ve always loved the vast majority of his films (I may be the only person on the planet that enjoyed Driven).  When I heard he was going to put together a film with all of the greatest action heroes on the planet I was totally stoked.  I was expecting tons of explosions and shoot-em up mayhem.  What I was not expecting was that The Expendables does a serious injustice to the very art of action films as a whole, and turns out to be one of the worst films of the year, and possibly one of the worst films ever made.

The biggest problem with The Expendables is…that I don’t have a fucking clue what the movie is about?  It centers around Stallone and his crew of misfits.  They are sent to take on some sort of job on some remote island off the coast of Mexico, or some shit like that.  We’re not really sure what the job entails, but they end up abandoning it and Stallone falls for the Generals daughter (who I swear is a transvestite) and decides to go back to save her, or something.  I really couldn’t tell you.  Bruce Willis gives them the job, (in one of the dumbest scenes of the movie in which Governor Arnold makes an appearance) and then we never see him again.  This a huge issue I had with the movie.  You’ve got all these guys and they’re in scenes for about 3 or 4 minutes, you never figure out what their role is, and then you never see them again.  This makes for a cluster-fuck of confusion during the entire film.

Mickey Rourke plays a tattoo yielding therapist for the group and has a scene where he cries tearfully in a mega-extreme close-up (which their are far too many of in the film) about an asian woman who jumped from a bridge when they were in war, and if he could have saved her maybe he’d save a piece of his soul too.  Huh?  There are scenes like this throughout the film that make no sense what-so-ever.  Dolph Lundgren plays a crack addict, or a alcoholic or something like that too.  No one’s character is ever defined or explained. Nothing in the movie is explained at all for that matter.  And the acting…oh my god…

The most annoying part of the film is the one-off jokes.  There “seems” to be these one-off jokes throughout the film, in which the characters deliver the line, and then pause and look at each other waiting for the audience to react to their pun.  I say “seems”, because none of the jokes are funny.  With all the pausing I thought, “Oh did I miss the joke, or is that the joke, or wait, no one else is laughing in the theater, so that couldn’t have been a joke, right?”

I felt like I was going to have an aneurysm at any point during the film as well during the half a million rapid fire cuts and constant close-ups.  All I could think of was if I bust out in a vomit-inducing seizure right now, maybe I could get my money back for this piece of garbage.

Skip it, skip it, please god just skip it.

Grade: D-